So, today’s post was going to be all about flexibility, but then I had a really hard day yesterday so today’s post is actually going to be about that. Because training is hard and feelings are hard and tears happen.

*Also? This is a photo of my splits. My handstands are too awful to post photos of. You will get a photo the minute I get a pic I don’t squeal and delete immediately.*

In case you missed it, I’ve started training again after letting myself get super de-conditioned; I’m not being modest, I legit lost 90% of my high skills. In any case, it’s been going really well! I’ve been regaining my strength, training around old injuries, and making big strides in my flexibility. All wins and glitter, right? Not so fast.

Circus PT Jen Crane encouraged me at the beginning of this ride to drop an aerial class and pick up a handstand class to strengthen my shoulders. Please believe me when I say that I had never, ever considered training handstands. So, I jumped into the Muse’s Wednesday night group class (taught by the effervescent Ms Ivory Fox), and away we went. Everything was going along just fine until…. I realized how much I looked forward to Wednesdays. Uh oh. I DO NOT NEED TO FALL IN LOVE WITH ANOTHER CIRCUS DISCIPLINE! But you guys…. I totally did.

Oh. No.

See, here’s the thing. When I don’t love something (lyra, Chinese pole, broccoli, etc.), it’s easy to do it because it’s good for me and leave it at that. But when I find something I love and a coach I really like – OH – the tears, the longing, the drama! First, I binge on YouTube videos. Then, I imagine myself doing whatever glorious thing it is. I sign up for all the classes, commit to privates, and then…. tears. I realize that I am just forever away from the skills I want and what am I doing and why am I spending all this money and time and I suck and I am the worst and most stupid human ever. And tears. And pity party. And delicious pint of Cherry Garcia.

The Arc of Training

There are phases we go through whenever we approach something new.

1.  Infatuation/Honeymoon – In the beginning, everything is GLITTER! RAINBOWS! STAR DROPS! This is the infatuation phase, and it’s a serotonin and oxytocin-filled paradise. Enjoy! Revel in it! Spend hours dreaming, YouTubing, and planning. You’re essentially “filling the tank” for what comes next. Let yourself get really giddy and dream big, because soon….
2. Reality Hits. One day, you will catch a glimpse of The Chasm. You’ll see – with stark, horrible clarity – how far it is from where you are to where you want to be. Years. YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAARRRRRS. Years. It’s horrible. BUT. Don’t push this phase away too quickly! It also brings perspective. What you are doing is HARD, and that realization is essential if you’re going to actually get good at silks or handstands or macrame or whatever it is you’re trying to master. SEE the craziness of your pursuit, and, if it doesn’t send you running for the hills, embrace it with everything that’s in you. (Oh – and in case you think you pass out of this phase never to return, heh heh heh. You will bounce in and out of the Reality/Doubt Zone frequently. Sometimes daily.)
3. Do the Work. Are you still in the game? Great. Now is the time to actually do the hard things. Set SMALL, manageable goals, celebrate every blessed victory no matter how tiny, and go hard.
4. Small Progress is Made. One day, you’ll realize you’re not sucking as much. HOORAY! Now brace yourself – you’re probably about to be slingshotted back to phase 2 for a while when you realize it’s time to level up. Sorry.
5. Big Progress is Made. One day, years later, you realize that you have achieved a major milestone: COMPETENCY. This is a beautiful thing! Congratulations! Mastery takes a lifetime, so don’t think you’ve reached the pinnacle of anything, but competency is a huge deal! Celebration wine! Now, get back to training.

Getting Through Phase Two Without Ben or Jerry

Phase two is le poo. It really is. In about 5 minutes, you go from a wiggly puppy of a student to completely smushed inside. If it had a sound effect, it would be the air being let out of a balloon. All my coach did yesterday was ask me to kick up into a handstand and let her spot me and DEMONS! FEAR! I CAN’T! THIS IS SO STUPID! I’M INCOMPETENT! I’M WEAK! I’LL NEVER GET THERE! Oh my. Pass a spoon.

 We walk through the valley of the shadow of death, we don’t build a condo there. 

Luckily, everything can be fixed with a checklist. 😉

1. Cry.
2. Cry some more. Get it all out. Need a tissue? A spoon? It’s ok. You throw the biggest, best pity party you’ve ever thrown. You get one day, so make it good. Now – pick yourself up, step awaaaaay from that pint of Chunky Monkey, and repeat after me: we walk through the valley of the shadow of death, we don’t build a condo there. 
3. Accept that you suck, and will for a really long time. Please believe me when I tell you this is the most freeing thing in the world. Giving yourself permission to be a student means giving yourself permission to fail, to be just unbelievably awful, and to ask questions. It gives you permission to laugh at your mistakes, to be gentle with yourself (beyond a healthy discipline), and holds you to an appropriate standard of training. You suck. It’s ok.
4. Make a plan and stick to it. What your plan looks like depends largely on your goals, but it should generally include solid training, open practice time, a home conditioning component, and supplemental disciplines (flexibility, PT, etc). Book a private with your coach to go over whether it’s too ambitious, solid, or not quite ambitious enough.
5. Tell your inner bully to f*ck off. Your inner critic might tell you that you didn’t give your all during your lesson, that you skipped stretching and shouldn’t have, that you need to focus more during sessions. This is GREAT – you need that. What you don’t need? An inner bully. Your inner critic and your inner bully are two totally different things, can we all agree on that? My inner bully tells me I’m too old, too creaky, too difficult, too scared, too much. You know what? Fuck you, bully. I’m also happier than I’ve been in years, regaining my strong body, and free to pursue whatever I damned well love. So suck it. Seriously – go f*ck yourself. Talk back to your bully, challenge all those automatic negative thoughts, and don’t stop until something resembling peace (or at least equilibrium) is more the norm than the exception.

So, the next time you find yourself walloped by Phase 2, remember that every single artist with a brain in their head has doubted, feared, worried. You’re in excellent company. Will it make you bitter or make you better? Now, get back to work. Love and pullups, Laura